The Reverend

BEN WORTMAN

Legally Ordained Wedding Officiant • Universal Life Church (dot com)

*** NOW BOOKING 2027 *** ALL CEREMONIES PERFORMED IN EARNEST *** THE RING IS A CIRCLE AND SO IS TIME *** PLEASE STOP SENDING ME DOVES ***

✦Greetings, Traveler

Portrait of Rev. Ben Wortman
fig. 1: the Reverend, at rest

You have found my homepage. Or perhaps my homepage has found you. Either way, please wipe your feet.

I am Ben Wortman, a fully ordained minister of the Universal Life Church, the internet's own church. I was ordained online in roughly four minutes, which is longer than some marriages and shorter than most microwave popcorn.

I officiate weddings. I will stand at the front, I will say the words, and at the correct moment I will tell you that you may kiss. I have practiced this on a mirror. The mirror said yes.

~ Rev. B.W.

❦Services Rendered

  • The ClassicTwo people, one officiant, a nice field. Some crying, mostly from me.
  • Elopement at a 24-Hour DinerVows exchanged between the hash browns and the pie case. Witness: whoever is in booth 6.
  • Vow RenewalsLike updating your software, but you cry and there is cake.
  • Marriage to the OceanSpiritually binding. Legally the ocean has not returned my calls.
  • Dream CeremoniesBoth parties must fall asleep at the same time. I will appear in a hallway you do not recognize, wearing a robe made of rain.
  • Pet WeddingsCats must consent in writing. Dogs have already consented to everything.
  • Ceremonial Uncoupling From Your Former SelfYou, at 19, will be gently escorted out of the venue. They may keep the CDs.

♣Rates & Tithes

ItemCostNotes
Standard ceremony (under 20 min)1 dinnerIncludes "Dearly beloved." Chicken or fish.
Personalized homily3 anecdotesSubmit embarrassing stories by the solstice.
Ring bearer stand-in$0.00I will hold the rings. I will not lose the rings. Probably.
Dramatic pause before "pronounce"+ 4 secEach additional second costs one more second.
Speaking objections into the voidFREEThe void has never objected.
Robe of rain (dream ceremonies)1 umbrellaReturned, damp.
Signing the marriage license1 good penBlack ink. I am a professional.
PAYMENT ACCEPTED IN CASSEROLES

♥The Vow-O-Matic 3000

Can't think of what to say? Enter two names. The machine will think for you. The machine has read every greeting card ever printed and has strong feelings about all of them.

VOWOMATIC.EXE_ □ ×

⚜Credentials

Certificate of Ordination

Let it be known throughout the land, the web, and the dream hallway that

Ben Wortman

is an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church, empowered to solemnize marriages wherever the law allows and to hum ominously wherever it does not.

Ordained: on the internet • Duration of training: ~4 minutes • Confidence: total

This is a parody homepage. Ben is a real ULC-ordained officiant; the robe of rain is not available in all states. This page is not affiliated with or endorsed by the Universal Life Church.

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